It has been especially hard because Hannah is having big anxiety attacks. We are not sure if it is due to the decision to move or something else, but it is extremely hard as a husband to see your wife be so worried. On top of that, I feel bad as it is that I am not the breadwinner in the family. I only have a small 8 hour a week job right now and am going to school. Hannah is the one who is working full time and making the money. We have had discussions about this and I know it bothers her that she has to work full time. She is an amazing woman and sticks it out anyway because she knows there is nothing else we can do until I graduate and I really appreciate that. However, it still tugs at my heart to see her sad. Sometimes I feel like I am in a catch-22. I want desperately to provide for my family and that means going to school, but I also desperately want my family to be happy.
So what is the answer? I don't think it is that easy. There is no quick fix to the complex facets of our lives. We have no manual and the questions our not multiple choice. If we were to look at this situation, and many of the situations in our lives that do not have clear answers, at face value we would be depressed at the thought that we will never find the answer and we are lost. All we need is just a little direction; just a little nudge to get us going, but it would seem that is not possible.
When you are in these situations, would you not do anything for a little guidance? Just to have someone to talk to is a great blessing and makes you feel better. Now imagine if that person could give you good advice that you can go on. Generally speaking, that doesn't happen. We look all around for the advice and many offer, but ultimately they all fall short and you are left with the full weight of the problem.
Now, let me just say this: There is help provided.
I have heard it tons of times before. When these situations come they all say the same thing: Trust in the Lord. It's been said time and time again, so why doesn't that help me? Why doesn't he fix my problems? If you are like me then when people tell me that I often roll my eyes and think "Yeah yeah, I know" and don't really take it seriously. Then I try all sorts of things to feel better, maybe even praying or reading scriptures, but I don't really feel better and I think "What am I doing wrong? Why doesn't he help me now??"
Then, finally, I am humbled and I pray. I TRULY pray. Not the prayer that, although very sincere about getting an answer, was not sincere about BELIEVING he would answer. I hope you can see the difference. Sometimes I get on my knees. Other times I am laying in bed with my eyes closed. My body may not always be in the same position but my heart is. After all my grieving I stumble over my words in trying to say what I am feeling. Sometimes tears begin to flow. Other times I am overcome with joy. I am like a child that desperately wants to talk to his parents about something, but has no idea what to say, but inside I know. I know he understands me and knows the words I can not say.
In this silent prayer I am closer to God then I have ever been, and then it hits me. I feel him. He's here, and I don't want to leave. I am overcome by his joy and his love for me and I don't want to go back to my troubles for I know the moment I say amen it will come flooding back. The world will win, I know it! I plead to him to save me, to make it go away! Then, almost as if he were right in front of me, I feel him smile and I realize.
He wants to. He wants to SO badly! He wishes he could take all the pain away and make my life easy. It actually hurts him to see me in pain... Just as it hurts me to see my wife in pain... but he is the ultimate parent, and he must teach me. The lessons he teaches me are far far more important then the minor sufferings that I am faced with. He knows that, and it cuts him deeply to know that he can't tell me that. He can only give advice. He will not and can not force me to make the right choice. If he did, how would I learn?
I understand, and I am grateful. I still don't want to leave his presence, but I know I need to continue my test. i tell him I love him and thank him and I depart.
I open my eyes and find that I am back in my room. In fact, I never left. I am still moved by his love and I know he will take care of me. I am so grateful and love him with all my heart...
One month later I am depressed again about something else I can not control and am longing for help. Someone says "Turn to the Lord"... and I roll my eyes...